The photo shoot of the wedding went well until I realized half way through that I was doing it on the eve of when my late husband, Terry died. I held myself together until I got out to the car and lost it on a a close friend that has know both Terry and I since 1973. I cried until my eyes were red and puffy, went through the emotions of emptiness, loneliness, futility and suicide, She drove around with me for a couple of hours until we wound up at a Taco Bell and I decided I had a case of the munchies.
I fought with the CPAP I just got. Not just wearing it during the night (I ripped it off my face three different times), but the decision to wear it at all, thinking it might be easier to just surrender to the laws of nature and take a nice long dirt nap. I fought with memories and the thoughts of past friend, family, and lovers. I considered O.D.ing, but didn’t.
After waking up at 11:00 am, I amaze myself that in the past year I have been usedin my lonesome I thought would be a companion, trying to commit me twice, stealing from me and making me homeless through lies and gas-lighting .I am strong struggling through a very demanding work schedule everyday, most days without help and alone. No car, no residence of my own, getting older (I dare any teen twenty something to deal with that issue!) and trying to reinvent my life and regain my artist self, poet self, and hippie self all at the same time. My self worth.
Despite my gregariousness and extrovert behavior, I am a very private person. If i love, it is with all I have. If I trust you and let you into my world, know that you are a very special individual. I will no longer tolerate being used, neglected, or abused. My time is precious. Twenty years goes by in a flash.
I am a young, sexy, 17 year old within a 60 year old body that isn’t all that bad looking for my age, despite the ravages I have gone through. I have scars inside and out and I wear them with honor. I don’t have time for wasted emotions or trivialities. I am an old soul with one helluva lot to give, to see, to experience. My heart is as big and beautiful, wild and turbulent as the sea.
I know somewhere out there is still another love to be my friend, companion, and lover. A goofy combination of Terry and Captain Trips; an adventurer, wandering gypsy, hippy, artist, confessor. best friend. I will write, I will travel. I will create. I will live. It ain’t over folks. Far freaking from it. It all begins anew right now and on my own terms.
© Copyright .2018 Louise Ann Marie Stowell All Rights Reserved
Photography courtesy of Pixabay