Perspectives, Retrospect, Examination

I am feeling the importance of serving others through what I learn in medicine. It’s not just about the paycheck, or the title, or the ya-ya’s of getting good grades.  Those things are nice.  They put food on the table and give self-esteem.  But I’m in it for more than that.

My thoughts about a lot of things are changing…everything from downsizing my stuff to healing myself (I suffer from PTSD and depression after the loss of my husband). Finding joy in sorrow is a major goal for me right now.  Medicine and my belief in Christ is helping me with that.  I find focus in school…focus in Church (I’m LDS)…and between the two I am finding redirection in my life.  When I am studying or in class, I find myself too absorbed in what I am doing to feel the pain or let my mind wander to the past.  When I am in Church, I am allowing myself to release the pain and the stresses and give them up to Christ who understands and can take that burden from me and helps me find peace.

There has been a lot of introspection  I’ve been unraveling myself like a ball of string examining purpose and what I have lost of myself along the line of my life…what is important, what I want to regain, and what I want to purge.

My dreams were with medicine when I was young. I was that kid that perpetually had the doctor kit. Medical books of all kinds fell into my hands, but scholastically I didn’t pursue it, settling instead for graphic arts.

Much later in life, I found myself drawn back in through different channels. Biology, chemistry, hazardous waste, studying arson and forensic science. My critical thinking began to swim up through the depths and take hold again. Even my late husband played a part in the rediscovery. He was an EMT for 25 years (of which I was only a part of it for four, but had known him and loved him in high school), but he taught me a lot…some of it subliminally. He taught me compassion, tolerance, unconditional love, but he also taught me not to be taken advantage of or become someone’s door mat. That there are limits of what one should allow themselves to put up with. That unconditional love does not mean “Hi!  I’m a Doormat.  Wipe Your Feet All Over ME!”  Healthy relationships are important; unhealthy ones need to be let go of.

Compassion is an interesting thing. I find myself thinking of phlebotomists that had drawn my blood in the past as I am getting ready to draw blood. What did they do that made their blood draws comfortable and almost painless? How can I have that experience be pleasant (in an unpleasant situation) for someone else? Do I listen carefully enough? Am I watching reactions? I want to make them feel at ease and let them know that I truly care about them, which I do.

It is a confusing time for me, too, as I am learning to take care of myself again. Family helps with that, but only up to a point. With my upcoming extern, I am looking to push even further with my education. With a good job in my field, I want to keep expanding..RN…maybe nurse practitioner. Eventually get my own place, and learn who I was and am again.

I am going into areas that challenge me, fascinate me, and frighten me a bit. There are spiritual lessons that I am learning as well. Those are the most important to me. I am learning to re-examine myself in a different way in order to become closer to my Heavenly Father. Small, simple things that are so easily taken for granted are proving themselves to be miracles. Mistakes are becoming less of a beat yourself up experience and more of a lesson I needed to learn in order to grow, understand, and feel.  They thread themselves onto that ball of string and change my perspective and view of my past and my present.  They are part of the whole.

I am becoming my own experiment. With tweaking of details and care I am watching with expectation and apprehension at how I will turn out. Stay tuned.  I’m not finished yet…


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