The photo shoot of the wedding went well until I realized half way through that I was doing it on the eve of when my late husband, Terry died. I held myself together until I got out to the car and lost it on a a close friend that has know both Terry and I since 1973. I cried until my eyes were red and puffy, went through the emotions of emptiness, loneliness, futility and suicide, She drove around with me for a couple of hours until we wound up at a Taco Bell and I decided I had a case of the munchies.
I fought with the CPAP I just got. Not just wearing it during the night (I ripped it off my face three different times), but the decision to wear it at all, thinking it might be easier to just surrender to the laws of nature and take a nice long dirt nap. I fought with memories and the thoughts of past friend, family, and lovers. I considered O.D.ing, but didn’t.
Despite my gregariousness and extrovert behavior, I am a very private person. If I love, it is with all I have. If I trust you and let you into my world, know that you are a very special individual. I will no longer tolerate being used, neglected, or abused. My time is precious. Twenty years goes by in a flash.
I am a young, sexy, 17 year old within a 60 year old body that isn’t all that bad looking for my age, despite the ravages I have gone through. I have scars inside and out and I wear them with honor. I don’t have time for wasted emotions or trivialities. I am an old soul with one helluva lot to give, to see, to experience. My heart is as big and beautiful, wild and turbulent as the sea.
I know somewhere is out there on the other side is my love, my friend, companion, and lover: an adventurer, wandering gypsy, hippy, artist, confessor. best friend. I will write, I will travel. I will create. I will live. It ain’t over folks. Far freaking from it. It all begins anew right now and on my own terms.
© Copyright .2018 Louise Ann Marie Stowell All Rights Reserved
Photography courtesy of Pixabay